1 She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
The watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d
Done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and
Started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you
Forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never Put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…

2 My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,
“Did you start at 1?”

3 After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
Changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to
Wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and
More rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she
Threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
Putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the
Room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4 A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
Her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside
On a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
Tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
Raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed,
Taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to
Know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
“Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I
Mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we
Alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6 A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
Grandfather’s’ word processor. She told him she was
Writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied.. “I can’t read.”

7 I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her
Colors yet, so I decided to test her.. I would point out
Something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and
Was always correct.. It was fun for me, so I continued. At
Last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think
You should try to figure out some of these, yourself!”

8 When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,
We kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from
Attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. 

Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
Replied, “I’m not sure.”
“Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “mine says
I’m 4 to 6.”

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her
Grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to
Make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little
Surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said,
“how do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘I and add
‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a
Public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The
Teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t
You know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means
Carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to
Their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.
“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use
The dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13 A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
“Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want
Her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her
Visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me
Good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart
As him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you
hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “forty-four years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl”.

Now, I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman.  

It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

Aren’t older women great? 

They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1.  She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.  Mostly to clean the house.

3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2.  They had to get their start from men’s bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1.  We’re related.

2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2.  I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3.  They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1.  His last name.

2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?

3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

 Why did your mom marry your dad?

1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot.

2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.

3.  My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1.  Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.

2.  Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.

3.  I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?

1.  Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4.  Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

 What does your mom do in her spare time?

1.  Mothers don’t do spare time.

2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1.  On the inside she’s already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2.  Diet.  You know, her hair.  I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I’d get rid of that.

2.  I’d make my mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING  –  TELL IT TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS….and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!

A male patient is lying in bed

In the hospital,

Wearing an oxygen mask over his

Mouth and nose,

Still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a

Partial sponge bath.

Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my

Testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

I don’t know,Sir.

I’m only here to wash

Your upper body.’

He struggles to ask again,

‘Nurse, are my

Testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,

She overcomes her

Embarrassment and sheepishly

Pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his

Penis in one hand and his

Testicles in the other,

Lifting and moving them

Around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong

With them, Sir !!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,

Smiles at her and

Says very slowly,

‘Thank you very much. That was

Wonderful, but listen

Very, very closely……

‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s -  B a c k ? ‘