These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
  
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
 

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and [...]

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1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5.. I used [...]

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Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Gator, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same [...]

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Birds of a feather flock together. . .. .and then crap on your car.
 
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is [...]

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