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You have two families: “Joe Legal” and “Joe Illegal”. 

Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California .

Joe Legal and Joe Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Joe did not pay.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE????

A woman walking down the street when was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman told her.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” she asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” she asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” the woman said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight. “

This shocked the homeless woman. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I mean, like, I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting…”

To which the woman warmly replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh–!’ 

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect. 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms. 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit. 

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a BITCH!’ at the top of your
lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 The first surgeon, from New York , says, “I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered…”

The second, from Chicago , responds, “Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, “No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like
construction workers… Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he
observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the
head and the ass are interchangeable